What was the person trying to do? Why? And how did it work out?

Mr. Hagerty thinks the safest course is to write your own story while you can - setting us aside just 15 or 20 minutes a week until the job is done.  He thinks that it is perilous to leave it to family - who may make a hash of the job. And certainly, family don't know the terrain as well as the subject themselves.

But if withering honesty about the mission and struggle (with only intermittent successes) that life is to many of us, it is hard to know how many (if any) mistakes to own up to.  He says he always includes in his newspaper obituaries the ups and downs, the triumphs and errors, even the humiliations. And he believes that he must do the same for his own story.

But how many of my embarrassing mistakes, lapses and weaknesses should I record? And which ones? I’m still struggling with that part.

Perhaps we can agree that the savor of life is indeed partly the struggle. And even where a life ends in some comfort it is not remiss to mention goals attempted and even goals not reached.  It is important for younger folks to know that in many cases even a successful life was accompanied by setbacks.

We have assisted many individuals assemble their own video memorials, often assisted by a family member.  Sometimes the project is used to help celebrate a birthday then it lies ready to put into service when different circumstances demand!

There is a gulf which separates the “get over it” camp from the “it's OK to stay connected” folks. The gulf tends to be generational – old school versus new learning. It is also cultural – different societies have different ways of dealing with those who have passed on – some try to maintain a stiff upper lip and others have sought to maintain some connection and dialogue with the “spirits” of their dead. Psychologist Louise Kaplan is definitely new school:

“We are the only animal species that possesses – and is possessed by – history, personal and cultural. We are never entirely free of the past. The physical death of the beloved is not the end of our attachment to him or her. Their presence is always with us.” (“No Voice Is Ever Wholly Lost” 1996)

In her book "Passed and Present", Allison Gilbert makes 85 individual suggestions (“Forget Me Nots”) for keeping memories of loved ones alive. (But don't be alarmed or put off – the book is a nifty 200 pages, modestly priced, and an easy read.) For the purposes of this blog I will pass along seven (pretty much chosen at random).

1. Cook: Preparing a dish associated with your loved one can help make you feel closer to them. And it can create an occasion to talk about them. A related “Forget Me Not” is to assemble and digitize recipes associated with your love one.

2. Write it Down: Gilbert suggests recalling and writing down words and phrases used by your loved one. She suggests finding a small note book that can go wherever you go. (Or, if you have a smart phone you could use its “voice memo” app to orally record you recollection.)

3. Build or Designate a Refuge: Sometimes is helps to find or even create a special place to remember a loved one. You can choose to place items there or just know that that is your spot for quiet meditation.

4. Craft their image into art: Using an image of your loved one you can (now) have it printed onto any manner of permanent keepsake. (There are dozens of online photo printers who offer an enormous range of printable products.)

5. Invite Stories: using Facebook or a website (or just plain email or texting) ask people close to you or your loved one to share their memories. (You can do this with video or audio, encouraging people to use their smart phones and emailing, texting or posting the results.)

6. Hire a Personal Historian: Personal historians (Gilbert says) can help craft your family's story so that it's intelligible and captivating with a book, a video or a family website from the material they've collected or helped to catalogue (her words not ours we promise!).

7. Share Their Objects: Maybe the person was a collector or an artist or maybe you just have lots of their letters. Gilbert suggests that you can share those items broadly with family and friends. It may be the object itself or it maybe a printed or digital facsimile.

Gilbert has, of course, many other ideas associated with using photos, slides, audio and home movies – you have found this site after all so I am guessing you are already way ahead on those ideas! But however you choose to preserve or commemorate your loved one, remember that one of the keys is – as Cheryl Sandberg found – is to respect your feelings.

"She had a great life and wants people to not grieve. (In case anyone would.) Grieving won't bring her back so what is the point... just makes you feel bad. And, she had a T-shirt that said, "I know what is right for everyone." She was right."

Making arrangements for your own, or someone else's passing, can feel like a transgression - an admission that the end is indeed nigh. Culturally, we are conditioned to deny the inevitable - or at least not speak its name.  And this is so even more for cancer sufferers who must "battle" to the very end and never give up hope. But planning and doing is therapeutic.  And when little more can be done to forestall the inevitable it can be good tonic - and sometimes even good fun - to take things into your own hands.

Kay's family celebrated two "celebration of life" parties while she was still alive.  She thought she would miss the third, when she was gone. But she was wrong.  She was there in wit and wisdom through all the fond memories and through her own hilarious obituary.