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She wrote her own (funny) obituary...

9/8/2023

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"Man knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken... and as the birds that are caught..." as the Good Book says. So it is always wise to be prepared. And in our experience, many people are. Kay Heggestad is one: she was tragically struck with bone marrow cancer and decided to write her own obituary. It began:

"Kay Ann Heggestad, bought the farm, is no more, has ceased to be, left this world, is bereft of life, gave up the ghost, kicked the bucket, murió, c'est fini."

She died in January, 2017 leaving a husband, two children and two granddaughters. A doctor by profession, Kay did not want to pretend she was any kind of a hero as a patient:

"No one should say she fought a courageous battle, because she did not! Unlike most folks, she complained all the way. What a whiner! She was ready to quit treatment many times but her family pushed her to continue... she then had time to have parties and say good-bye to friends and relatives."

Kay Heggestad left the obituary on her computer with instructions to submit it to the local newspaper in Madison, Wisconsin, which her husband sadly did. And like any good spouse, Kay took the opportunity to get the very last word in:

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Our related blog article: "Why write your own obituary?"

And see: "In the Facebook age, more people are writing their own obituary"
"She had a great life and wants people to not grieve. (In case anyone would.) Grieving won't bring her back so what is the point... just makes you feel bad. And, she had a T-shirt that said, "I know what is right for everyone." She was right."

Making arrangements for your own, or someone else's passing, can feel like a transgression - an admission that the end is indeed nigh. Culturally, we are conditioned to deny the inevitable - or at least not speak its name.  And this is so even more for cancer sufferers who must "battle" to the very end and never give up hope. But planning and doing is therapeutic.  And when little more can be done to forestall the inevitable it can be good tonic - and sometimes even good fun - to take things into your own hands.

Kay's family celebrated two "celebration of life" parties while she was still alive.  She thought she would miss the third, when she was gone. But she was wrong.  She was there in wit and wisdom through all the fond memories and through her own hilarious obituary.
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Dying in the Digital Age - And Staying Alive

7/5/2023

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As a video biographer and personal historian, I am a grateful fan of Facebook. It helps us connect and stay up with family and friends, provides a free repository for our photos and videos, and offers an increasing array of tools and ideas for creating and preserving our personal history, including something important just announced.

Nowhere is Facebook more helpful than in tragic situations of death. When my good friend Peter died too young his family set up a Facebook "group" where we all shared stories, posted video, and uploaded precious images - all shimmering with fond memories (these are some of my photos here).

But that's not all...
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Memorializing Facebook Pages
For some time now Facebook has given family the option of "memorializing" a person's page after they have passed, including their photos and videos. Of course, you could do nothing and just leave the page as is. But:

When an account is memorialized, we set privacy so that only confirmed friends can see the profile or locate it in search. We... remove sensitive information such as contact information and status updates. Memorializing an account prevents anyone from logging into it in the future, while still enabling friends and family to leave posts on the profile Wall in remembrance.

There was a problem though - what if a family member or important friend wanted to log in to fix something, accept a friend request, post a video, or make some necessary changes such as removing off-color or even bullying posts? Who owns a Facebook page anyway? The issue of ownership and control has become a hot topic: At least five states (Oklahoma, Idaho, Rhode Island, Indiana and Connecticut) have passed legislation regulating one's digital presence after death, including email.  New Hampshire has been considering the same thing and there are calls for federal legislation.
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Your Facebook Executor 
Coming to terms with this groundswell, Facebook allows users to designate a "legacy contact". Once Facebook is notified that the person has passed away, they will memorialize the account and the legacy contact will be able to:
  • Write a post to display at the top of the memorialized Timeline (for example, to announce a memorial service or share a special message);
  • Respond to new friend requests from family members and friends who were not yet connected on Facebook; and
  • Update the profile picture and cover photo.
The legacy contact can be notified and given permission to download an archive of the posts, photos and profile info shared on Facebook. Operating a bit like a living will, the legacy contact will not be able to log in as the deceased nor see that person’s private messages. Alternatively, people can let Facebook know if they’d prefer to have their Facebook account permanently deleted after death. 

There is no true salve for the loss of a loved one. But social media is helping us to enjoy each other while we live, and to remember those who made our lives more liveable when they are gone. It's a kind of magic, social media immortality.
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DIY Video Memorial, Tribute or Obituary

4/19/2019

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How should we be remembered in our obituary or in our video memorial or tribute?

What do the experts say? You would think that a person who has spent their life writing obituaries (most recently for the Wall Street Journal) would know a thing or two about telling a person's life story.

Well, James Hagerty in the Friday April 29, 2019 edition of the Wall Street Journal is that person and he indeed has strong ideas about what matters in telling a person's story:

I don’t want what many people seem to consider the standard form for obituaries: A list of names, dates and achievements interspersed with quotes about my nobility, generosity and devotion to family.

Instead, the kernel of any life as he sees it is:
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What was the person trying to do? Why? And how did it work out?

Mr. Hagerty thinks the safest course is to write your own story while you can - setting us aside just 15 or 20 minutes a week until the job is done.  He thinks that it is perilous to leave it to family - who may make a hash of the job. And certainly, family don't know the terrain as well as the subject themselves.

But if withering honesty about the mission and struggle (with only intermittent successes) that life is to many of us, it is hard to know how many (if any) mistakes to own up to.  He says he always includes in his newspaper obituaries the ups and downs, the triumphs and errors, even the humiliations. And he believes that he must do the same for his own story.

But how many of my embarrassing mistakes, lapses and weaknesses should I record? And which ones? I’m still struggling with that part.

Perhaps we can agree that the savor of life is indeed partly the struggle. And even where a life ends in some comfort it is not remiss to mention goals attempted and even goals not reached.  It is important for younger folks to know that in many cases even a successful life was accompanied by setbacks.

We have assisted many individuals assemble their own video memorials, often assisted by a family member.  Sometimes the project is used to help celebrate a birthday then it lies ready to put into service when different circumstances demand!
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Dealing with Loss: Practical Tips from a New Book

1/17/2018

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Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive

It is the inevitability of loss that unites us all. And yet it is loss that can also separate us – not just from our lost loved one but from our family and friends. Sometimes the isolation arises through others simply not knowing how to interact with someone who is grieving – as Sheryl Sandberg wrote about in 2017 in “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy” after the death of her husband.

It is also true that we experience loss in different ways and the way that we feel we need to deal with life's toughest challenge can sometimes upset expectations.

“Isn't she over it yet?” “You need to get out more.” “Perhaps it's time you tried finding someone new.” These are all judgments and pieces of advice that are mostly well meant but are often wide of the mark and unwelcome. Is it so wrong to want to keep a lost loved one in our lives?

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There is a gulf which separates the “get over it” camp from the “it's OK to stay connected” folks. The gulf tends to be generational – old school versus new learning. It is also cultural – different societies have different ways of dealing with those who have passed on – some try to maintain a stiff upper lip and others have sought to maintain some connection and dialogue with the “spirits” of their dead. Psychologist Louise Kaplan is definitely new school:

“We are the only animal species that possesses – and is possessed by – history, personal and cultural. We are never entirely free of the past. The physical death of the beloved is not the end of our attachment to him or her. Their presence is always with us.” (“No Voice Is Ever Wholly Lost” 1996)
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For Kaplan, mourning is not about detaching ourselves from the ones we have lost, it is about finding helpful and satisfying ways to stay connected. And it is from that idea that Allison Gilbert ventures forth with a slew of excellent, practical, suggestions for staying in touch. She prefers to emphasize commemoration over sadness and preservation over relinquishment.
In her book "Passed and Present", Allison Gilbert makes 85 individual suggestions (“Forget Me Nots”) for keeping memories of loved ones alive. (But don't be alarmed or put off – the book is a nifty 200 pages, modestly priced, and an easy read.) For the purposes of this blog I will pass along seven (pretty much chosen at random).

1. Cook: Preparing a dish associated with your loved one can help make you feel closer to them. And it can create an occasion to talk about them. A related “Forget Me Not” is to assemble and digitize recipes associated with your love one.

2. Write it Down: Gilbert suggests recalling and writing down words and phrases used by your loved one. She suggests finding a small note book that can go wherever you go. (Or, if you have a smart phone you could use its “voice memo” app to orally record you recollection.)

3. Build or Designate a Refuge: Sometimes is helps to find or even create a special place to remember a loved one. You can choose to place items there or just know that that is your spot for quiet meditation.

4. Craft their image into art: Using an image of your loved one you can (now) have it printed onto any manner of permanent keepsake. (There are dozens of online photo printers who offer an enormous range of printable products.)

5. Invite Stories: using Facebook or a website (or just plain email or texting) ask people close to you or your loved one to share their memories. (You can do this with video or audio, encouraging people to use their smart phones and emailing, texting or posting the results.)

6. Hire a Personal Historian: Personal historians (Gilbert says) can help craft your family's story so that it's intelligible and captivating with a book, a video or a family website from the material they've collected or helped to catalogue (her words not ours we promise!).

7. Share Their Objects: Maybe the person was a collector or an artist or maybe you just have lots of their letters. Gilbert suggests that you can share those items broadly with family and friends. It may be the object itself or it maybe a printed or digital facsimile.

Gilbert has, of course, many other ideas associated with using photos, slides, audio and home movies – you have found this site after all so I am guessing you are already way ahead on those ideas! But however you choose to preserve or commemorate your loved one, remember that one of the keys is – as Cheryl Sandberg found – is to respect your feelings.
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What Our Tribute Video and Memorial Video Clients Are Saying About Us...

"I used Your Story Here to create a memorial DVD for my dad who recently passed.  Jane was fantastic!  She will meet with you personally and really cares about making a quality product that is personal, interesting and informative.  
She provided ideas and also sought input from the family.  She also took photos that were small or old and worn and brought them to life.  The result was a quality product reflecting my dad's life and a touching tribute to his family."              -  Lynn K.                                                                              More Testimonials...

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